A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
Pushing ones luck!
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Good one;)
Now THIS is scary!!!!!!!
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OOOPS. :(
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Quote from: "spidy, post: 2620, member: 268"Pushing ones luck!
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There's a dog in the picture?? :D
ALWAYS check the rear dude!
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All great thank you for sharing [USER=268]@spidy[/USER]
Lions order home delivery!
[MEDIA=youtube]x-Pw6j80o3A[/MEDIA]
Who needs miniaturization?
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Lets hear it for Windows.
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER : cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8...
characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1
numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain a least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than
one upper case character consecutively.
USER:50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER:ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
OH BOY is one daughter NOT happy!
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Virus Warning
If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Sarah Palin' in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.
If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton', do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.
LMAO I think this is great.
Children say the funniest things!
A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How did you know it was dead?" she asked her pupil
"Because I pis*ed in its ear and it didnt move!" answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT???" the teacher exclaimed in surprise
"You know" explained the boy "I leaned over and went 'Pssssst' and it didnt move!
Some HO,HO,HO.
Christmas Tree
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and nothing was going right. The elves were complaining about not getting paid overtime. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and the sleigh was broken. Santa was furious. 'I can't believe it!' he yells. 'I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours – all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel to find one hours ago! What am I going to do?' Just then, the little angel opens the front door and steps in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. 'Oi fatty!' she says. 'Where d'you want me to stick this?' And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.
Did someone say parah salin?
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"I was working outside in my garden and my tool broke, so I went inside and told my wife I was leaving to go get a ho, didn't go well"
This MAY be staged but a good prank. "Hey u steal ma bike in de hood u get de shock in de ass."
[MEDIA=youtube]4bN76TvJspY[/MEDIA]
Don't steal!
[MEDIA=youtube]f99J7HwkYMI[/MEDIA]
If it ain't yours don't touch it!
COOL advert.
[MEDIA=youtube]pX0gwLAnyzE[/MEDIA]
A bad day at work.
When you are feeling down about your job.....
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this
guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers
in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on
offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to
his sister.
She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft.
Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job
experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I Had a bad day at the office. I know you've
been feeling down lately at work, So I thought I would
share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's Not
so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first
must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As
you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I
wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we
do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered
industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of
equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it
to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to
the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the
air hose.
Now this sounds like a pretty good plan, and I've used
it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I
get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose
and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods
my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a
Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my
butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.
This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my
butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my
back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized
what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and
pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any
hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.
However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was
actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my
butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma
over the communicator. His instructions were unclear
due to the fact that he, along with five other divers,
were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water
decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes
before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber
dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I
was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears
of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of
cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I
got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for
two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think
about how much worse it would be if you had a
jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself,
"I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
These are great :dance:
Ireland Declares War on France!
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringin' to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs, amused; "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.
"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last! spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."
Best of BBC Talking Animals
As the admin is called Allan I like the bit when his name is called !
[MEDIA=youtube]ExukCRD7gN0[/MEDIA]
A little humour to add to your day.
Moral of the Story
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
'Johnny, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Mary. She was a pilot In Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy Territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a Survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't Break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy Troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, Killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she Killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
'Stay the frig away from Aunt Mary when she's drinking.'
This one is GREAT.
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I can't get out of bed! My fitbit is charging and my steps won't count.
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AWWW.
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I found this to be very funny.
[MEDIA=youtube]-YHH5RI_VRI[/MEDIA]
(https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=7ea3a6f81c&view=fimg&th=15781329d7f943ef&attid=0.1&disp=emb&attbid=ANGjdJ_26BMBoldORgz1r27FyMAAUEuTplfuB1wU7qO9alw5_Gn57PRrQHOyt98Hq3aq3IY_t467vSFFu8-5YhxZbfLPxY-Am9aJqayg5xM6HwLN7HG2H7G0JAZFy4Q&sz=w798-h1198&ats=1475363577418&rm=15781329d7f943ef&zw&atsh=1)
A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead,
gorgeous flight attendant: "What is your name?"
Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir"
Businessman: "Lovely name . . . Any relation to Mercedes Benz?"
Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close"
Businessman: "How close?"
Flight Attendant: "Same price". (https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=7ea3a6f81c&view=fimg&th=15781329d7f943ef&attid=0.2&disp=emb&attbid=ANGjdJ8dRI6dxSbN-v4EVK9qcClR1rU8thxfcuPt1yMU6ZkrQ0-WIXxuPhqXMdfa3XOSQXHGcUs5Sktr6q2K4rlFwym2am-pKXGnkevhOuVRuaJJjMOux8mr3J9gYl0&sz=w64-h64&ats=1475363577418&rm=15781329d7f943ef&zw&atsh=1)
Lets hear it for SOOTY!
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So funny. Thanks
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This is funny xD
Btw, thank you guys. foor the jokes!
JUST TOO FUNNY!
[MEDIA=youtube]6GlNKkRWxg0[/MEDIA]
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
snake scares the shit out of arab men
[MEDIA=youtube]rhSWmgxlTHg[/MEDIA]
I liked that one, since I hate snakes.
Quote from: "Allan, post: 3662, member: 1"I liked that one, since I hate snakes.
I don't think the Arab guy was too keen on them either! :cold:
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.
The other day I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off
Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the store manager came and unplugged it. Thank Goodness for heroes!:D
A little humour to add to your day.
Moral of the Story
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
'Johnny, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Mary. She was a pilot In Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy Territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a Survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't Break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy Troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, Killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she Killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
'Stay the frig away from Aunt Mary when she's drinking.'
With apologies to the sporting members.
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan
A beautiful blonde causes chaos on the plane, but the pilot has a simple solution!
[MEDIA=youtube]ItprGqTgeew[/MEDIA]
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
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my wig flew to mars hahaha
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